Vulnerability
As a writer I have always been brutally honest in exposing my true self. However there are a few sides I would never want to show to the world. This is a post I have been procrastinating on writing, and finally, I was able to muster the courage to put it down.
The Small Study Room
The day before the Toastmasters Area H1 International Speech contest (2024), I decided to stay at my mom's place, which is closer to the venue, to avoid a long commute on the day of the contest. At 7 PM, my 12-year-old daughter was engrossed in her favorite book, Harry Potter, with a packet of chips, while my 6-year-old daughter sat amidst a room filled with dolls, inventing stories with them. I occupied the small study room filled with books for my practice. During my college days, I spent most of my time in this room, working on computer programs, studying for exams, listening to music, and more. Now this small room is filled with books and toys and sees little use.
The Creature
I entered the room, sat on the wooden chair which is as old as I am and decided to go through the recording of my club contest speech. I had a piece of paper to note down the corrections I wanted to incorporate for the area contest. That is when I noticed a large lizard perched motionless on the door frame. It was larger than the size of my palm, mustard in color with a few black spots. Like any other lizard it remained still.
Options
I rose from my chair in a panic, approached the door, then retreated back to the chair. Now I found myself with only two options: open the door and flee or call for help. But opening the door would likely lead to the lizard's demise. Calling for help would result in someone opening the door, potentially causing the same brutal murder. So, I settled on a third option: staying in the room with the lizard. Absurd thoughts flooded my mind. 'What if it refuses to move for hours? What if I am trapped in this room with that huge creature, without food or water?' I suddenly remembered one more plausible option: try to chase the lizard from its perch and flee from the room. I approached as closely as possible and attempted all my tricks to scare it away, but it stubbornly refused to budge.
Much Ado About Nothing
At this point, you might be wondering, 'Why all this fuss over nothing more than a lizard?' Well, I have had terrible experiences with this creature since my childhood days. Whenever I made an eye contact with a lizard anywhere in the house, it seemed determined to fall on me. Countless times, lizards have landed on my head, prompting me to shout and flee the room in a frenzy. Afterwards a creepy unexplainable feeling would linger within me for hours. This is a side of me I never wanted anyone to know about, but not anymore :)
An Hour with the lizard
I returned to my chair and resumed listening to the recording, jotting down my observations. After some time, I glanced at the clock and realized it was 8 PM!I could not believe that I had completely forgotten about the dreadful creature for an hour. Slowly, I shifted my gaze, expecting it to have moved from its spot ages ago. But no!! It was still there in the exact same place.
Gyaan part of it ;)
This incident gave me a profound realization! It shows the power of distraction and immersion in productive activities to overcome stress and anxiety caused by problems in life. It reveals the importance of keeping oneself engaged and occupied, as it can shift focus away from challenges, allowing for temporary relief and sometimes even leading to new perspectives or solutions. I thought this could make for a thought-provoking writeup on 'the power of distraction'.
Co-exiting with Problems
I realized that a particular emotion (like fear, disgust, hatred, distress etc.) can only be replaced by another and cannot be erased, no matter how hard we try. Whether it's the smallest of problems, like a lizard in the room, or the largest, such as losing a loved one to mortality, we can only replace our emotions; we cannot remove them entirely. Eventually, we learn to coexist with the problem by finding other diversions and moving forward.
By 8:30 PM the lizard slowly moved onto the topmost shelf and I breathed a sigh of relief, finally feeling free.
Paradigm Shift
When I came out of the room, I shared my (mis)adventure with my mom and kids and I recalled a story called "Yaanai Doctor" from the book 'Aram', by the great Tamil writer Jeyamohan. In the story, a forest officer is disturbed after witnessing a swarm of worms devouring a dead elephant in the forest. The sight haunts him, disrupting his eating and sleeping habits. However, his perspective changes when he encounters a veterinarian who offers a new insight. The vet explains, 'The worms you saw are just the babies. The flies buzzing around your house are the adults. If you're okay being around the adults, why should the babies bother you?' This simple yet profound revelation triggers a paradigm shift in the protagonist, leading him to develop an appreciation for the worms in the forest."
I had been composting for more than 10 years, and I have always enjoyed being around worms. However, I couldn't bring myself to feel comfortable around lizards like that.
Now I recall a famous dialogue from a Tamil movie, "AAyiram Periyar vanthaalum ungla laam thiruthave mudiyaadhu". I told myself, "Even if thousands of Jeyamohans were to be born and hundreds of stories like 'Yaanai Doctor' were to be written, people like me cannot be rehabilitated :)
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